Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do

Covert narcissists hide their strange behaviors well because they prefer shadows to spotlights. These people appear shy or quiet, unlike their overt counterparts, and secretly inflict “death by a thousand cuts” away from watchful eyes. Spotting them becomes extra tough since others usually see them as nice people.

Covert narcissists excel at emotional manipulation and use subtle tactics to control their victims. Their extreme insecurity and low self-esteem make them fearful of exposure or humiliation. Their passive-aggressive tendencies often leave us confused in relationships and workplace interactions. These personalities make themselves especially dangerous by avoiding attention while they quietly control others through passive-aggressive means. This piece will help you get into their strange behaviors and real-life examples that can help you identify these difficult personalities before they cause serious harm.

1. What is a covert narcissist?

Covert narcissists hide their deep need for admiration behind a mask of humility or shyness. People often call them “closet” or “introverted” narcissists. These people show symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but keep the obvious signs hidden. Statistics show that NPD affects up to one in 20 people, which means we’ll likely meet someone with this condition during our lives.

How covert narcissism is different from overt narcissism

The main difference between covert and overt narcissists shows up in how they express themselves, not their core traits. Both types share these fundamental characteristics:

• An inflated sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success and grandeur
• A need for excessive admiration
• A lack of empathy for others

In spite of that, their behaviors look quite different. Overt narcissists come across as loud, boastful, and attention-seeking. They openly show their grandiosity and entitlement. Covert narcissists take the opposite approach and hide their self-importance. They often seem withdrawn or even put themselves down. One expert puts it this way: “The overt narcissist is easily identified because they tend to be loud, arrogant, insensitive to the needs of others, and always thirsty for compliments”. Covert narcissists use subtle tactics like back-handed compliments and false modesty to get validation.

Why covert narcissists are harder to spot

Covert narcissists create a unique challenge because they “fly under the radar”. Their narcissistic traits show up through passive-aggressive behavior instead of obvious grandiosity like their overt counterparts. On top of that, they switch between public and private personas. They seem kind, supportive, and humble in public but feel superior, dismissive, and resentful in private.

This split personality makes them tough to identify. Many victims fall prey to their manipulation without realizing what happened until emotional damage sets in. Their passive-aggressive playbook includes emotional withdrawal, poor communication, and neglectful behavior to keep control.

Covert narcissists excel at playing the victim card. They paint themselves as misunderstood or unappreciated and build a fatalistic worldview where life always works against them. This victim mentality acts as a smoke screen that hides their manipulative and self-centered nature.

2. Gaslighting and reality distortion

Gaslighting ranks among the most destructive weapons in a covert narcissist’s arsenal. My work with victims of narcissistic abuse has shown how this reality-distorting behavior creates deep psychological wounds that often take years to heal. The sort of thing I love about understanding gaslighting is how it uses manipulative tactics to make you doubt your own memories, perceptions, and sanity.

Making you question your memory

Covert narcissists know how to twist the past to feed their ego and keep control. They’ll say things like “I never said that” or “That didn’t happen; you’re remembering it wrong” when you confront them about their harmful actions. The challenges might seem small at first—maybe questioning tiny details or brushing off minor complaints. But the distortions grow until you start doubting the most important events from your shared past.

Victims tell me they suffer from anxiety, stress, depression, and troubled sleep because someone keeps undermining their reality. You might catch yourself playing conversations over and over in your head, trying desperately to figure out what really happened.

Denying obvious facts

Covert narcissists will deny reality even when faced with clear proof. To name just one example, see this documented case where a child reminded her father about times he had hit her. His response? “I have NEVER hit you in my life—I moved your leg over. I did NOT hit you.” This flat-out rejection of truth leaves victims feeling lost and confused.

These narcissists use several tactics: dismissal (“That was so long ago”), justification (“I was disciplining you for your own good”), minimization (“I got angry sometimes, but I was always there for you”), negation (“I never laid a hand on you”), and reversal (“I’ve always been kind and loving”).

Using confusion as control

Reality distortions serve one purpose: control. Covert narcissists make themselves the judges of truth by creating mental conflict between what you see and what they claim happened. Victims slowly start to trust the narcissist’s version of events more than their own eyes.

Research shows this manipulation works systematically. When people saw DARVO tactics (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) in action, victims seemed “less believable” while perpetrators appeared “less abusive and less responsible.” The confusion becomes a weapon that keeps you dependent on the narcissist’s approval.

You can protect yourself. Keep records of interactions with dates and details, save messages as evidence, and trust what you see despite their attempts to undermine you.

3. Playing the victim to gain sympathy

A covert narcissist’s strangest trait is knowing how to play the victim. Their shy exterior masks a calculated plan to manipulate emotions and dodge responsibility. These people quickly change into wounded martyrs who seek sympathy instead of solutions when anyone questions their actions.

Turning every issue into their own pain

Covert narcissists shine at painting themselves as mistreated and misunderstood heroes. Their stories always center around them. They twist conversations to spotlight their suffering, whatever the actual topic might be. They suddenly bring up old hardships or claim “everyone is always against them” during arguments. This self-pity replaces real self-worth and lets them feel special through their supposed suffering.

More than that, they keep a running list of complaints about how badly their family members, colleagues, and past partners treated them. They talk about having “psycho exes” and failed relationships, yet somehow end up as the innocent victim in each story.

Blaming others for their failures

Covert narcissists don’t understand accountability. Their boss becomes unfair when work performance drops. Teachers get blamed for failed classes. Partners take the fall when relationships break down. This blame-shifting shields their fragile self-image while others carry the weight of their failures.

Their blame game follows a clear pattern. After messing up, they say things like “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t made me” or “You’re causing all these problems, not me.” This deflection keeps them blameless in their own story.

Using guilt to manipulate

The most dangerous part is how covert narcissists use guilt as a weapon. They make statements that force you to feel responsible for their emotions: “I guess I’m just not important to you” or “No one ever appreciates what I do.” This emotional blackmail pushes others to constantly reassure and accommodate them.

Guilt-tripping serves many goals – it provokes attention, creates obligation to meet demands, and shifts focus from their manipulation. This strategy helps them flip roles from perpetrator to victim whenever confronted. Many people find themselves apologizing to the person who hurts them because of this manipulation tactic.

4. Passive-aggressive behavior patterns

The weird things covert narcissists do can be baffling, especially their use of passive-aggressive tactics to control others without seeming dominant. These narcissists differ from their extroverted counterparts. They avoid direct confrontation and prefer subtle ways to show disapproval while maintaining power.

Silent treatment and procrastination

Silent treatment is the life-blood of covert narcissistic behavior. These individuals create confusion by emotionally withdrawing and refusing to communicate. Their ego feels threatened, so they don’t show anger directly. They retreat into calculated silence that makes victims feel responsible to fix things. This emotional withdrawal serves many purposes. It punishes, manipulates, and controls while giving them plausible deniability.

Chronic procrastination becomes their passive-aggressive weapon. Covert narcissists agree to complete tasks but delay repeatedly with claims of being “too busy.” This behavior isn’t just laziness. It’s a power play they think over to frustrate others and make them do the work. So this pattern creates a situation where victims feel unsupported yet can’t exactly point out why.

Backhanded compliments

These narcissists know how to deliver insults masked as praise – what experts call “complisults.” Their remarks appear positive but contain subtle digs that slowly destroy self-confidence. Here are some examples:

• “You’re surprisingly good at that for someone your age”
• “You finally look decent now—good for you!”
• “I’m impressed you got that job; I thought they only hired qualified people”

Mixed messages create cognitive dissonance. Recipients feel both appreciated and diminished, which makes it almost impossible to confront the behavior.

Subtle sabotage in relationships

The most damaging aspect shows in how they undermine relationships through small, calculated actions. They “forget” to share significant information. They leak harmful details about you to others. Support disappears when you need it most. Trust erodes gradually through this subtle sabotage. The whole ordeal becomes impossible to confront because no single incident seems serious enough.

5. Faux humility and fishing for praise

False humility ranks among the most powerful weapons in a covert narcissist’s manipulation toolkit. These people know how to appear modest while they create situations that guarantee praise and admiration from others.

Self-deprecating comments with hidden motives

Covert narcissists use strategic self-criticism as a tool—not because they’re humble but to fish for compliments. You’ll hear them say things like “I’m such a loser” or “I’m such an idiot.” This makes others rush to reassure them. Their negative self-talk works as the quickest way to get positive feedback. The truth is, they don’t believe these self-deprecating statements. It’s just their way of setting up a validation trap.

This pattern becomes obvious in relationships where their partners feel drained from giving constant reassurance. Of course, this emotional work only serves the narcissist’s needs instead of creating real connections.

Humblebragging to seek validation

Humblebragging—mixing a complaint with a boast—stands out as another weird thing covert narcissists do. Harris Wittels, a comedic writer, created this term to describe “a specific type of boast that allows the offender to broadcast their achievements without the necessary shame and guilt that should normally accompany such claims.” A covert narcissist example might say, “I’m so exhausted from all these speaking requests; I guess they just wanted someone with more star power.”

Research shows people prefer direct bragging over this manipulative approach, even though the intent is to impress.

Pretending to be modest while seeking attention

The most deceptive part is how covert narcissists mask their need for attention as selfless service to others. They volunteer for charity or defend helpless people—not from real compassion but to look virtuous. These actions stem from their desire for admiration rather than empathy.

Their preemptive self-disclosure adds another layer to this behavior. When they reveal negative information about themselves without being asked, they set up a situation where they can later say, “Well, I told you so.” This helps them dodge real accountability while appearing honest.

6. Public charm vs private cruelty

A covert narcissist’s most confusing trait shows up in their two completely different personalities. Their outward charm masks a private cruelty that leaves victims feeling alone and baffled by this Jekyll and Hyde transformation.

Why others don’t believe your experience

People usually dismiss you when you try to explain the weird things covert narcissists do. This happens because narcissists naturally defend other narcissists. These people shine with charm and love in public, yet they become completely different behind closed doors. The stark difference creates a gap where victims sound unbelievable as they share their stories.

The situation gets worse because manipulation and abuse can make victims seem emotional or unstable. The narcissist’s cool and collected demeanor makes them look more credible than their victims. One expert points out that narcissists know how to “play it cool” with others, which creates a situation where “people have difficulty believing the victim because the narcissist appears to be a person of good character.”

Maintaining a perfect image in public

The outward image obsesses covert narcissists. They carefully craft their public persona to look successful, attractive, and virtuous. You might notice these behaviors:

• They dress perfectly at social events while controlling others’ appearance
• They showcase their talents strategically around others
• They act kind, supportive, and humble in social settings

This perfect image isn’t just vanity—they need it desperately. Their self-worth depends on what others think, so this facade becomes their focus completely.

Switching personas based on audience

The covert narcissist’s private behavior contrasts sharply with their public charm. A victim once described how her partner “will be charming and personable in public and will have everyone crowded around him and then go home and tell all his family and friends to leave him alone.” This personality switch helps them stay in control while dodging responsibility.

This dramatic change helps them develop flying monkeys—supporters who defend their character when accusations arise by saying “they would never do such a thing.”

7. Avoiding responsibility and shifting blame

Covert narcissists struggle the most with accountability. They use clever techniques to avoid taking responsibility, which leaves their victims confused and full of self-doubt. This isn’t just random behavior – it’s a core covert narcissism trait that shapes every interaction they have.

Never offering a real apology

You won’t find genuine apologies in a covert narcissist’s emotional range. They stick to what psychologists call “non-apologies” to protect their perfect self-image. These fake shows of remorse follow some common patterns:

• “I’m sorry if you were hurt” (conditional apologies that hint your pain might not be real)
• “I’m sorry, but you provoked me” (apologies that push the blame back to you)
• “I’m sorry that you feel that way” (apologies that make your reactions the issue)

These statements sound apologetic to others while carefully avoiding any real responsibility. The pattern becomes clear once you know what to look for, though you might feel frustrated by these hollow expressions of regret until then.

Deflecting with circular arguments

A covert narcissist’s response to confrontation often involves circular logic that wears you down instead of solving anything. They’ll grab onto one tiny detail and argue it to death, then jump to something else once you’ve dealt with their first point. The original problem never gets solved through these verbal gymnastics.

Psychologists call this strategy DARVO—Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. The narcissist starts by denying everything (“That never happened”). Then they attack your character (“You’re always making things up”). Finally, they paint themselves as the victim (“I can’t believe you’re attacking me like this”).

Using word salad to escape accountability

The sort of thing I love about these weird things covert narcissists do is their use of “word salad”—mixed-up, contradictory language that leaves you mentally drained. While this term originally described psychotic speech patterns, it now includes the deliberately confusing communication narcissists use to disorient others.

These conversations leave you exhausted with nothing resolved. The narcissist might even end by saying, “I’m glad we’ve reached an agreement” when no one agreed to anything. Smart people often find themselves lost in these language mazes, unable to get any real accountability.

Learning to spot these tactics gives you the best defense against this manipulative covert narcissist behavior.

Summing it all up

Covert narcissists are maybe even the most dangerous type of narcissists. Their manipulative behaviors stay hidden behind a mask of shyness or humility. These people show strange behaviors that warn us – they use gaslighting, play the victim, manipulate passive-aggressively, and display false modesty. The most confusing part is how they can switch between completely different personalities based on who watches them.

People rarely spot these narcissists until they’ve caused deep emotional harm. Their split personality makes victims doubt their own reality. Others don’t believe stories of abuse because the narcissist “seems so nice.” Without doubt, this gap in believability creates perfect conditions for more manipulation.

Spotting these patterns early can protect you from years of emotional pain and self-doubt. Watch for differences between public and private behavior, constant victim mentality, and someone who can’t give real apologies. When someone always moves blame to others, uses confusing language in arguments, or changes personality with different people – these are serious warning signs.

This knowledge helps protect you from these skilled manipulators. Your perceptions matter and your feelings are valid. You deserve relationships built on mutual respect, not control. While covert narcissists are experts at making others doubt themselves, knowing their tactics is your best defense against their subtle but devastating emotional manipulation.

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