I will rule the world!

There’s a movie called Santa Claus about a big fat guy in a red suit named Santa Claus. Every year he brings presents to all the good little children around the world.

So far so good, yes?

Well, not if you’re talking about the Mexican Santa Claus, which, as MST3K commented, is just good old fashioned nightmare fuel.

The future is Santa’s boot stomping on a kid’s face… forever!

Directed by René Cardona, a dude from Mexico City who did some wrestling movies too, this 1959 “movie” concerns a slave-driving Santa who lives up in the sky and has a whole sweatshop army of little kids doing his work for him. As we begin the movie, Santa gets on the piano and bangs away like a fat, white-bearded Liberace as children from other countries dance around in the most stereotypical fashion possible. When children from Africa don native gear and jump around to drums, you’ll want to hide in your bed and cry and hope Santa skips your chimney.

It takes awhile for P.C. to reach the North Pole.

Anyway, after what seems like an eternity of untalented kids singing, we meet Pitch, a devil (from hell!) who is sent up to Earth to screw up Santa’s Christmas plans. Oh, did I mention that Pitch likes to dance around alot? He’s a bit light on the loafers, if you know what I mean.

I’m evil, I’m carefree, I’m gay! I was born this way!

Anyway, he’s nothing compared to the horror that is fascist Santa! In the observatory, we are told all the cool toys Santa has at his disposal! The earscope! The tele-talker that knows everything! The cosmic telescope! The master eye! Homeland Security has nothing on Santa. Santa’s palace is what the world would have been like if Hitler won WW2.

See your evil!

Hear your evil!

Speak your evil!

See the earscope? It’s a fan with an ear on it. And Santa’s reindeer are actually wind-up reindeer who can emit creepy, menacing laughter that would frighten just about anyone, not just little children. Yes, somebody has been eating too much peyote.

Creepy! Hide under your beds!

Once we escape the Orwellian Klaus stronghold, we meet Lupita, a cute little girl who lives in a poor family. There’s one particular doll that she really wants for Christmas but mommy can’t afford it. Pitch appears to her and tries to get her to steal it. Pitch’s presence is always signaled with an off-key piano note. We’re sure that won’t get old.

Santa and Pitch will battle for Lupita’s soul!

We meet another kid who lives with a rich family but just wants his parents to stick around for Christmas. At least for 5 minutes, before leaving him home by himself while they go out and drink martinis.

Pitch manages to get to a trio of bad kids, but since both they and Pitch are completely incompetent, it’s nothing to worry about. But Santa ain’t exactly a pro, either. Millions of kids around the planet and he spends most of his time in a handful of houses fighting off the devil. Not every efficient, Santa, especially with a kid army at his command. What is it they do all day? And why hasn’t Santa been arrested for violating child labor laws?

Evil has never been so wacky.

Pitch is an evil, evil demon. The first thing he does is move a chimney so Santa can’t get down it. Completely evil! Then he blows on a doorknob until it turns red hot! Menacing! In his defense, Pitch manages to steal Santa’s sleeping powder and flower-to-disappear. Then Santa gets chased up a tree by a mad dog! It’s up to Santa’s friend Merlin the Wizard to help save the day, and hence, Christmas.

Somebody has their fables confused.

Yes, Merlin the Wizard. All of this is presided over by a disembodied narrator who is easily perturbed. The movie ends with Lupita getting her doll, the rich boy’s parents returning home, Pitch getting sent back to hell for more dance lessons, and millions of the world’s other children going Santa-less for the year.

Come to think of it, if you wanted to, you could see Santa’s organization as a metaphor for the US government - they can see and hear everything you do, but they’re so inept that nobody really benefits from it.

Or you could just pass Santa Claus off as a really silly holiday movie from Mexico made by a guy with serious psychological issues. Yeah, that’s your best bet.

Santa is FOREVER!

Well, Elaine, let’s examine thew word “Santa”, shall we? [ holds up board with “SANTA” spelled across it in removable letters ] Santa. Let’s see, what have we got here? We’ve got an S and an A, an N, a T, and another A. Hmm.. [ rearranges the letters ] Who could be causing all those laps to bounce up and down curiously? Who would help grown men peel the focus from the baby Jesus on his birthday? Who could it be, I just don’t know. Could it be.. [ echo ] Satan!! - The Church Lady, Saturday Night Live

Who’s Naughty? Who’s Nice? Who’s Next?

The truth about Santa Claus: he’s the son of Satan! And 1,000 years ago, he lost a bet with an angel. As a result, for 1,000 years he had to spread holiday cheer every Christmas. And now, the bet is over. It’s back to slayin’ time! That’s the idea behind Santa’s Slay, starring Bill Goldberg (WWE) as Santa, back to spread “a little holiday fear.”. He first dispatches a family of rich assholes consisting of Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart, and an unbilled James Caan! Santa killing one of the Roxbury guys and the Nanny? So far, so good!

Nice!

Naughty!

Then it’s off to the strip club for more killin’ (”Naughty!” says Santa!) before going after 16 year old Nicholas, his girlfriend, and his grandpa (Robert Culp, from The Greatest American Hero!). Grandpa, it turns out, was the angel who won the bet. After 1,000 years of putting up with brats sending millions of letters to the North Pole and steaming over losing the bet, Santa’s a bit pissed. But he has funny one-liners while he’s killin both naughty and nice. “I’m Santa Claus, not fucking Dracula!” he shouts as someone shines a light into his eyes.

Santa knows where that pole has been!

Hot chicks!

Anyway, not to worry, grandpa comes back from the dead to replay the game they played the first time. It’s a curling match where the object is to get a stone as close as possible near a hole without going in. This time, the hole happens to lead into hell. Grandpa goes first and does a pretty good job. Instead of trying to knock grandpa’s stone in, Satan throws grandpa in. I think that would make Satan lose the bet. So anyway, grandpa hangs on and manages to get rescued before falling all the way to hell. Santa’s flying reindeer, or buffalo, or reindeer-buffalo, is finally taken down with a bazooka. Oh, and Ned from South Park even shows up to help!

The dangers of ice-fishing near hell-portals.

Hey, Ned - a flying reindeer! Look out, it’s comin’ right for us!

Satan, um, I mean, Santa, gets away, but, having lost all his powers, has turned back into WWE wrestler Bill Goldberg, and must now return to the North Pole the hard way - connecting through Winnipeg. Poor bastard - he’s probably riding coach!

Santa’s Slay is an amusing B-movie comedy, especially to holiday Scrooges. It’s better than Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Hell, it’s better than It’s A Wonderful Life, too. Stuff your frickin’ stocking with it.

Oh yeah - it’s hilarious to listen to director David Steiman talk about thinking up the Santa=Satan idea. Admitting that he loves Chris Kattan from Saturday Night Live, does he actually expect us to believe he doesn’t know about Dana Carvey? Yeah, try another one, Dave.

Oy, vey!

Don’t forget, kids - there is a Santa Claus. And he hates you!

Paris Hilton in front of the Christmas tree with her dog.

When you move down to the bottom of the movie barrel and start scraping, you’ll come up with a lot of gunk. Some of it will get on your hands and clothes and you’ll spend hours trying to scrub it off. Some of it is this weird putrid green stuff. That would be Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

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In the world of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Santa Claus is as real as you and me. He even gets interviewed on the news by some idiot freezing his ass off at the north pole but still manages to crack bad jokes. But earth kids aren’t the only ones watching Santa on the television - Martian children are doing it too!

Now, these Martian kids - they’re not very happy. They never laugh or play. Soon after they’re born, they are plugged into a machine that teaches them at blindingly fast speed. They have weird antennas on their heads. They’re kinda like The Borg, actually. Except goofier. But something’s wrong - they’re not eating.

Not eating their food pills? But they’re delicious! Something must be wrong.

Martian leader Kimar grabs his Martian posse and asks nutty old man Chochem what’s going on. Chochem says, in a sickly old man voice, that Mars needs Santa Claus. (Mars used to need women but apparently that didn’t help). By the way, Chochem looks like a crazy old wizard, sans dark Martian black-face and antennae. Nobody seems to notice or care.

Go to bed, old man!

So the Martians go down to Earth to kidnap Santa. They ask two dimwitted kids (Billy and Betty) where Santa lives. The dimwits tell them, and then the dimwits are, of course, kidnapped along with Santa. Martian Voldar thinks the whole thing is a bad idea, that earth kids are nincompoops, and that Santa will corrupt all of Mars.

Well, he kinda has a point. Folks, it’s not a good sign when you find yourself identifying with the Martian villain.

Anyway, the kids escape and start wandering around the north pole looking for Santa’s workshop. “I’m cold” says little Betty. Yeah, probably because it’s something like 90 degrees below zero. But she’s a trooper - she’s wandering around in light clothes and not a bit of frostbite anywhere. After an encounter with a fake looking polar bear, they come across Torg, the killer Martian robot. It manges to grab them, but only because they basically stand there like deer in headlights looking at it while it walks slowly towards them. Not the smartest kids on earth, these two.

Torg walks inside Santa’s workshop and immediately becomes a toy. Funny, the Martian guns seem to still work ok. But they don’t shoot rays or anything. They just make a “pop” noise and cause the person on the other end to act real still, like those stupid mimes you see in tourist destinations. The Martians finally make a getaway with Santa, Billy, and Betty in tow. The purpose of kidnapping Billy and Betty was to prevent Earth leaders from knowing who took Santa Claus. Too bad Mrs. Claus spills the beans, causing all of Earth’s forces to be sent after the Martians. But all of Earth’s forces don’t add up to much. The newscaster mentions Martians just like he mentions Santa - like it’s common knowledge. He also mentions that Billy and Betty vanished into “thin air”. Because both stories are equally important, you see. The United Nations convenes a special session. Nothing gets done. Ok, that’s pretty realistic. Then we’re treated to stock footage of United States armed forces taking to the skies. (the same footage used in Dr. Strangelove).

But the Martians have a special weapon called a “radar box”. It’s supposed to jam radar, I guess. Too bad it looks like a hope chest. Oh, by the way, everything on Mars is in English and the Martians speak English too. Very convenient!

The, um, “Radar Box”

The Martians have their own version of a village idiot, and his name is Dropo. Dropo is referred to as the “laziest man on Mars” and he’s certainly that, but I think he’s also the dumbest, the most inept, and the most annoying. If the king of Mars has a dude like Dropo in his group, you know you can sleep soundly at night, knowing that Mars is no threat.

Mars is so progressive, even retards get equal opportunities!

Even the villainous Voldar, when finally exposed as an asshole and forced to hide in a cave somewhere, turns into a goofball. He’s teamed up with two other idiot Martians and the three of them pull a Three Stooges act for the rest of the “film”. Unable to reach Santa, who is under guard, he manages to sabotage the Martian toy-making factory, thereby “discrediting” him. Damn Martian Luddites! Then he kidnaps Santa, but it’s not really Santa, but Dropo in a Santa suit. Voldar is obviously not smart enough to realize his Santa is a fake (Dropo’s antennae are still visible). And you still want to tell me Mars is a threat? In the end, Voldar is finally defeated by what we have to call “complete wackiness!” Basically, an assault by toys. Personally, I think the absurdity of it all is what beats Voldar. And us.

The ending sees idiot Dropo as the new Martian Santa Claus, while Santa and the kids return to Earth. Before the credits roll, we are treated again to a truly insipid theme song with the (redundant) lyrics spelled out on screen so the slower kids can follow along.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was made in 1964, as some in-jokes will hint to you. (Santa mistakes one of his reindeer for Nixon and there’s a character based off of Wernher von Braun). You might have noticed the metaphor for Martians-as-Communists. Nothing a little Western television can’t cure. The best part of this movie is when children everywhere - Earthlings and Martians alike - are shown sitting hypnotized in front of the tube, completely immersed in the television world. Billy and Betty look at the Martian antennae and think that Martians are TV sets. Of course, why wouldn’t they? And you still think Voldar’s the bad guy, eh?

Santa laughs at you

By the way, I am certain that the people who convinced child actor Pia Zadora to go on as a Martian girl are the same “handlers” who sent her over to Penthouse and The Lonely Lady. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

Urban Outfitters is selling a shirt with the slogan “Santa Claus Hates You”

While many shoppers seemed shocked by the T-shirt, some said they would buy the shirt as a gag gift.

Somebody must like the t-shirt - because it has sold out.