Who’s Naughty? Who’s Nice? Who’s Next?
The truth about Santa Claus: he’s the son of Satan! And 1,000 years ago, he lost a bet with an angel. As a result, for 1,000 years he had to spread holiday cheer every Christmas. And now, the bet is over. It’s back to slayin’ time! That’s the idea behind Santa’s Slay, starring Bill Goldberg (WWE) as Santa, back to spread “a little holiday fear.”. He first dispatches a family of rich assholes consisting of Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart, and an unbilled James Caan! Santa killing one of the Roxbury guys and the Nanny? So far, so good!
Then it’s off to the strip club for more killin’ (“Naughty!” says Santa!) before going after 16 year old Nicholas, his girlfriend, and his grandpa (the late Robert Culp, from Greatest American Hero!). Grandpa, it turns out, was the angel who won the bet. After 1,000 years of putting up with brats sending millions of letters to the North Pole and steaming over losing the bet, Santa’s a bit pissed. But he has funny one-liners while he’s killin both naughty and nice. “I’m Santa Claus, not fucking Dracula!” he shouts as someone shines a light into his eyes.
Santa knows where that pole has been!
Anyway, not to worry, grandpa comes back from the dead to replay the game they played the first time. It’s a curling match where the object is to get a stone as close as possible near a hole without going in. This time, the hole happens to lead into hell. Grandpa goes first and does a pretty good job. Instead of trying to knock grandpa’s stone in, Satan throws grandpa in. I think that would make Satan lose the bet. So anyway, grandpa hangs on and manages to get rescued before falling all the way to hell. Santa’s flying reindeer, or buffalo, or reindeer-buffalo, is finally taken down with a bazooka. Oh, and Ned from South Park even shows up to help!
The dangers of ice-fishing near hell-portals.
Hey, Ned – a flying reindeer! Look out, it’s comin’ right for us!
Satan, um, I mean, Santa, gets away, but, having lost all his powers, has turned back into WWE wrestler Bill Goldberg, and must now return to the North Pole the hard way – connecting through Winnipeg. Poor bastard – he’s probably riding coach!
Santa’s Slay is an amusing B-movie comedy, especially to holiday Scrooges. It’s better than Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Hell, it’s better than It’s a Wonderful Life, too. Stuff your frickin’ stocking with it.
Oh yeah – it’s hilarious to listen to director David Steiman talk about thinking up the Santa=Satan idea. Admitting that he loves Chris Kattan from Saturday Night Live, does he actually expect us to believe he doesn’t know about Dana Carvey? Yeah, try another one, Dave.
Don’t forget, kids – there is a Santa Claus. And he hates you!