Ben Affleck Movies: Chasing Amy (1997)

Chasing Amy (1997)
Director: Kevin Smith
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jason Lee, Joey Lauren Adams, Dwight Ewell, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith

Rating:

So, I tied Bill to a chair and forced him to let me do another movie review. Granted, it was the nice leather recliner. And I put a stogie in his mouth and fixed him a martini while I was at it. He said that my last review was a bit hyperbolic and that maybe writing about The Mighty Affleck might send me into a conniption. I told him I was up to the challenge. It was hard for me at first to choose which of the Kevin Smith/Ben Affleck oeuvre I would do. Finally it dawned on me that I could do the one with which I had the most personal resonance… the one that I saw in the theater with my comic book penciller ex-boyfriend on one side of me, and his tracing inking friend on the other: Chasing Amy. In this feature film, we are introduced to the passionate, goateed side of the Affleck. The rarest of all the Afflecks: THE EMO AFFLECK. Emo Affleck has interesting friends: an inker played by Jason Whatsisname whose verbal delivery reminds me of some of the vitriolic assholes I encounter in comic book shops on a regular basis. He also is friends with a black gay man who writes a comic book with the BEST TITLE EVAR.

i want action figures of this man

After a scene at a comic book convention, Emo Affleck meets the lovely Alyssa Jones, played by Whatsername, who seems to huff helium before every take. It’s the only way I can explain that voice of hers. They have a moment together later after Black Gay Man taunts Jason Whatsisname regarding the wholesomeness of Archie comics and the homosexual subtext that runs through them. (I’ve read enough slash over the years that I can see it, but that’s beside the point.)

archie and jughead = as gay as affeck and damon, sometimes

Later on, we are exposed to a frighteningly arousing image: Affleck doing a strange mating dance behind his roommate and best friend. Considering that the homosexual subtext was already fresh in my mind, I took the opportunity to pause the movie and put in my bite-guard before I gave way to a seizure from the sexiness of it all.

the awesome emo affleck mating dance

Then, at the club, Emo Affleck’s plan tobed the squeaky girl are dashed. Strangely enough it didn’t happen directly after hearing her sing.

hottt lesbian action free pics click here

Affleck, subdued, retreats to the suburbs with his boyfriend tracer inker in tow.

emo affleck!

Alyssa, worried about the effect that her hot lesbian action might have had on the Emo Affleck, visits his studio and offers friendship and a view of her tonsils, which cheers him up immediately.

tonsils that have never known the touch of affleck's member

Somewhere in there, their friendship grows, much to Banky’s dissapointment. This friendship is demonstrated through a montage in which Alyssa Jones is unbearably cute, and where the ever-talented Emo Affleck demonstrates cake-building abilities that would put Napoleon Dynamite to shame.

Later, we get to see Emo Affleck express his love to his female friend through the power of mouth-breathing.

emo affleck

Alyssa, being a cute, feminine lesbian, decides that the best way to respond is to throw a hissyfit in the rain. Luckily, Emo Affleck’s pheromones overwhelm her and we get to see them make out in the aforementioned rain. Woo.

no woman can withstand the awesome power of emo affleck

Banky catches them in the morning, drops his drink on the floor, and then goes downstairs to stare at Catholic schoolgirl cheerleaders in order to soften the heartbreak. Alyssa, later on, gets booted from her lesbian mail-order club when they realize that she’s in love with a man.

time to turn in your commemorative toaster, has-bian

Banky returns with a tale that rocks Affleck’s world, demonstrated in part by this gentleman:

demonstrating the ancient chinese art of boning two jersey guys at once

Affleck goes to his gay black friend for advice. His gay black friend takes up with a small child and proceeds to call Affleck a devil.

i told you the devil had a goatee

And then the fight, and then the heartbreak, which is the ultimate Emo Affleck moment:

EMO AFFECK!!!

For the three or four of you out there that haven’t seen this movie, I won’t give too much of the ending away, but amongst a great deal of my friends, this was their favorite part:

jennifer lopez sends her regards

Three out of four Afflecks for this one. I subtract an Affleck because he’s totally outshined by Gay Black Man, and because I didn’t get to see Banky and Alyssa and him in a three-way. Yeah, I was hopin’ for it. Shut up. I’m sure I never want to do another movie review again. I always end up getting the wrong moral of the story.

- Glossolalia Black

archie and jughead = not nearly as gay as these two