Weird Movies

Top 10 Sequels Never Made

posted by Chris Valentine

Here’s out list of the top 10 sequels never made. You know those movies that are really bad but hilarious all the same, and you wish they’d make more but know that it’s just not in the cards? Or maybe there’s a movie out there are you truly love and think deserve a sequel, but you seem to be the only one. Or… in some cases, films that need sequels just to undo the damage they’ve done (there are a lot of those). In any case, here’s our personal list of the:

Top 10 Sequels Never Made

Number 10
Twilight: Blade of Destiny

<em>Catch you at a bad time?</em>

Catch you at a bad time?

Edward and Bella are together again. But Eddie’s tired of keeping control of himself and when he realizes that the girl has no personality he decides to bite her, which he should have done in the first place. Jacob the werewolf shows up and is all pissed off, so the two have a fight. Bella gets all weepy. Then Blade (Wesley Snipes) shows up and slices through both Edward and Jacob like they were butter. A stunned Bella can only stand there, but since she has been bitten Blade takes her head off. He then proceeds to massacre every single vampire in the Volturi clan. Oh yeah, Whistler is resurrected again so he can be has bad-ass self and say stuff like “I’m too old for this shit!”. The end. Twilight: Blade of Destiny is the shortest movie of the trilogy, lasting 20 minutes, as Blade kills every crappy character in this horrible series before they get the chance to go emo. Talk about sequels never made but need to be!

Number 9
Breakin 3: Robotic Jubilee

<em>Dude, do you know how to do the robot?</em>

Dude, do you know how to do the robot?

Wish we could claim this title, but it has been bandied about on the message boards and we can’t really think of a better one. Anyway, Turbo (Michael ‘Boogaloo Shrimp’ Chambers), Kelly/Special K (Lucinda Dickey), and Ozone (Adolfo ‘Shabba-Doo’ Quinones) are back! It’s pop-lockin time as the breakdancing crew lock horns with a group of alien break-dancing robots from outer space! In the near future, a race of robots who know how to jack their metal bodies arrive on earth… after being exposed to the body rock of the 80s they naturally demand to see Earth’s progress since that time, only to be disappointed to find out that breakdancing and 80s electro has been phased out to make room for American Idol rejects, emo bands, and Lady GaGa. After a global announcement that the Earth is to be destroyed to make way for a dance studio for giant robots and mechas, Special K, Turbo, and Ozone come out of retirement, leaving their new families to return to their roots and battle for the planet! It’s time to let loose as our heroes teach their robot counterparts how to street dance proper! Instead of saving a community center, they’re saving the planet! Featuring an amazing dance-off between humans, robots, and aliens that has to be seen to be believed! Jean-Claude Van Damme also returns! Main theme fronted by rapper Ice T!

Number 8
Marion Cobretti AKA Cobra 2: Zombie Squad

cobra2

In the tradition of recent sequels named after character names (John Rambo, Rocky Balboa), comes the best Stallone vehicle yet! Marion Cobretti! Longtime retired from the Zombie Squad, detective Cobretti (Stallone) is reluctantly pulled back into the game when a vicious gang of serial killers hold the city hostage. The main gang leader seems to know a lot about Cobra and his past, and calls him out. Reunited with his old partner (Reni Santoni) and his old girlfriend (Brigitte Nielsen), he not only has to battle the killers but deal with a former detective-turned-police-chief-turned-mayor Monte (Andrew Robinson), who not only has a grudge against Cobra but also may be secretly aiding the gangs! There’s a new disease on the streets, and the only cure is.. Marion Cobretti. A strong contender in a list of the top 10 sequels never made but should be.

Number 7
Matrix: Reparations

<em>Whoa, dude.</em>

Whoa, dude.

The Wachowski Brothers team up again for this third sequel to the 1999 Hit! There is peace between the human residents of Zion and the Machine City, but there are strange sightings in the Matrix of a man in black who can fly! Has Neo returned? Watch for Morpheus reciting more strange double-talk as he discovers that Zion isn’t real, but just another reality inside the original Matrix. When following a strange turtle to an underground cave, he wakes up inside a white room surrounded by none other than Neo and Agent Smith! It’s a Matrix within the Matrix! A resurrected Neo can still stop bullets and fly around but can’t seem to defeat the bad guys without a whole lot of kung fu, which is done using new effects techniques, one which is called “Bizarre Time” which uses quantum computing to show Neo reacting to events that haven’t occurred yet (Neo ducks a bullet before the bullet is fired; Neo develops the ability to choose not to choose). Watch for the mind-blowing ending, where the Architect turns out to be none other than the Wachowski Brothers themselves, in a room filled with money! Watch for Clayton Watson returning as The Kid, who takes an even larger role, alongside Collin Chou’s character of Seraph. Rumor has it that the fifth film in the saga will be entitled Matrix: Retarded, and though the film’s plot will center explicitly on Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus, all three characters will be absent in the film to make room for Seraph, The Kid, and Link’s Family.

Number 6
Skatetown, United Nations

skatetown

The original Skatetown, USA is known for being Patrick Swayze’s debut role. Sadly, Patrick is no long with us; neither is Flip Wilson. however we can still bring back Scott Baio, Ron Palillo, Maureen McCormick, Ruth Buzzi, and Greg Bradford (if you can find him in the seedy adult universe and bring him back, that is!) This time around, Stan (Bradford) is the American Skating Ambassador to the United Nations in the year 2018, a future where skating has replaced all sporting, theater, and music events as entertainment. While attending the World Championship Skating Finals in Geneva, he is given warnings that the Taleban have created their own skating team and threaten to interrupt the event! Ron Palillo returns as Frankey, who has never shaved his beard since 1979! That makes him the perfect mole to infiltrate the Taleban skating team and learn their plans! In the meantime, it’s fun, fun, fun as a swarm of guest stars skate their way into our hearts! Featuring cameos by Murray Langston as the Unknown Comic, Linda Blair in a crossover role from Roller Boogie, Heather Graham, Rob Lowe, Verne Troyer, Clint Howard, Bill Murray (as himself), Neil Patrick Harris, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Britney Spears, William Shatner, and Denny Johnston returning as “‘The Wizard”, who may just be the puppet-master controlling everyone’s fate! Watch for Al Gore in a hilarious skating sequence set on a melting polar cap!! Sure to remain on the list of top 10 sequels never made… mostly because who’s going to pay for permission to use all the music? (That’s why Skatetown’s not on DVD, by the way).

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