Odd Culture

Scottish Star Trek (Chewin the Fat)

posted by Chris Valentine

Here’s a Scottish Star Trek skit called Taysiders in Space. (Tayside was a local government region of Scotland from 1975 to 1996). Basically, it takes the premise that Starfleet Academy opened near Carnoustie, Scotland (which was part of Tayside).

Comprende?
We believe this is what they refer to as “Glasgow Patter“. Here are a few translations to the King’s that we found on the web:

Right Ensign, gies warp factor ten and we’ll open this big bastard up and see if it is shit off a shovel right enough
“Right ensign, set speed warp factor ten and let’s see if this ship is as fast as they say it is”

You won’t catch us wearing belts like a bunch of big poofters.”
“Wearing seatbelts is unmanly”

Aye, as long as you bring us back a mug of royal game soup and a couple o’ ciders
“You may, but please bring me back some refreshment also.”

Captain, there a right big whore ae a spaceship comin’ towards us, an ye want tae see the bastardin’ size o’ the thing, it’s a good yin or twa size bigger than oors ken!”
“Captain, there is a large spaceship coming towards us, almost twice as big as us”

Ah telt ye before, any mair o’ yer pish an I’ll stick this right in yer crack!”
“I have previously warned you to behave or I will insert this object somewhere very uncomfortable”

Well, Ah’m just havin a go on the holodeck Captain, Ah’m holodeck daft, ken?”
“I am ruinning a holodeck simulation, did you not know I suffer from holodiction?”

Set phasers tae malky!”
“Set phasers on maximum”

It’s like hee-haw wuv ever seen afore captain, ken?”
“It’s life Captain, but not as we know it.”

You ken fine yer gaggin’ fur it eh?”
“You realize you are desperate for sex?”

Ye’ve hee-haw chance o getting’ yer hole, yer an android, ye’ve kak all nob!”
“You have no chance of performing sexual acts since you are an android and therefore do not have a penis.”

Och awa’ and dinnae talk pish!”
“We don’t believe you.”

Yeah, only slightly more difficult to understand than Klingon. Somebody upgrade the UT.

The Scottish Star Trek skit is the creation of the Scottish comedy show Chewin’ the Fat, which first started as a radio series on BBC Radio Scotland. The TV version ran for 4 seasons, ending in 2002. The series was mostly filmed in and around Glasgow.

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1 Comment

Iain Clark September 9, 2016 at 10:32 am

You have made a small error in your transcription …

“Aye, as long as you bring us back a mug of royal game soup and a couple o’ ciders” is wrong, it should read …

“Aye, as long as you bring us back a mug of royal game soup and a couple o’ ootsiders”

“Ootsiders” (or Outsiders in English) are the two end slices of a Scottish “plain” loaf and are normally thicker the the other slices; perfect to “dook” (dip or dunk) into soup to soak up the liquid.

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