We’ll always have Paris

An OddCulture Review
by Bill G

Before Alyx K mentioned Paris Hilton to me, I had no idea who the hell she was. Nor her sister, Nicky. Both women, of course, are heirs to the great Hilton fortune. Who2 describes her as the “party-hopping socialite” of the 21st century. Who am I to argue? This girl gets into more places than one can ever dream of. On the other hand, it appears that more people get into her than one can ever dream of, if you know what I mean and if you don’t know what I mean then what the hell are you doing here?

So it seems our favorite party girl went and made a video with some dude named Rick Salomon. Rick Salomon used to be married to Brenda from Beverly Hills 90210 but now is separated. Oh, and he has a decent sized schlong. It’s nice to live in a society where people are so bored from watching too many Friends reruns that they will flock to an amateur porn tape of a rich spoiled socialite – I mean, she’s fabulous because she’s rich and wild – what more do we need, really? But since I am bored along with the rest of you, I shall review said video.
If you want to watch it, well, don’t ask me because it shouldn’t be too hard to locate – it’s everywhere on the net. And yes, you can buy it on DVD. Chances are, one of your coworkers already has it .

Scene 1
Timecode 00:00:00
Duration 00:00::20

We’re thrown right into it; with big man Ricky letting the camera be his eyes, pointed down to Paris’ lower torso, as he expresses his undying love for her, missionary style. His moans are believable; he is an adequate choice for the part, I suppose, although I have no idea how many men auditioned before him.

Scene 2
Timecode 00:00:20
Duration 00:01:00

The “time out!” scene, as our two filmmakers take a breather to work on the dynamically-changing script some more. As they figure out how they want to rehearse the next scene, a cell phone rings in the background. Upon seeing his lover cross the bed to answer, Rick exclaims “Fuck your phone!” Ain’t that the truth – cell phones are so ubiquitous I can imagine every one of us saying that at one time or another. If the Director’s Cut of the movie ever becomes available, I suggest trimming some of this scene, as it slows down the pacing that was begun in Scene 1.

Scene 3 – Gone to the Dogs
Timecode 00:01:20
Duration 00:00:40

As we begin our canine-style cavorting, Ricky asks “Am I in there, or is it just you?” Disappointed as to how the scene is being framed, Rick moves forward, determined for us to see more of his glory than Paris’s. “Why don’t you get on top of me and face that way [towards camera] so they can see how pretty you look,” says Rick. Well, no shit Ricky – that’s what we were doing until you ruined the frame.

Scene 4
Timecode 00:02:00
Duration 00:00:30

Decent view of Paris here, as she gets a horsey ride from the funny naked man. But, in an added twist to keep the audience guessing, demonic possession is written in to the plot. Add horns to Paris’ head and you’ve got Coop art.

Scene 5 – Proud African Black Man, Mutherfucka!
Timecode 00:02:30
Duration 00:00:26

Paris’s blowjob is a total tease but what saves the scene is the juxtaposition with the background television – a standup comedy routine that sounds suspiciously like David Alan Grier, with dialogue like this:

Call me Todd! What’s in a muthafuckin’ name? ‘Cause blame will make you forget shit. That’s all right Caucasians, yo time is coming. [Laughter] Look around. We ain’t gonna use no whips. We just gonna knock y’all the FUCK out!

Consider me knocked out.

-Bill G