On her first day of a 3 week jail sentence, Paris Hilton was discovered bleeding on her jail cell floor, stabbed in the gut with a homemade knife and anally penetrated with a broken broom handle.

Hilton, before being shivved, raped

“I told you it would happen,” exclaimed Matt Drudge, editor of the Drudge Report. “Well, I didn’t say it, but I posted some stories suggesting it. Which is the same as me saying it, basically.”

Century Regional Detention Facility, Lynwood

“Are you sure it was a shiv and not a huge penis?” asked comedian Sarah Silverman. “I bet she enjoyed it, that whore,” shouted Silverman before a roaring crowd.

When asked for comment, Jack Nicholson simply grinned.

Developing…