all these people only use 1 square of toilet paper. Eww.

This story from the Washington Post made me do a double-take:

Singer Sheryl Crow and environmentalist Laurie David have been traveling across America on a two-week Stop Global Warming College Tour, which winds up today at George Washington University. Crow and David (co-producer of the documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” and wife of “Curb Your Enthusiasm’s” Larry David) have been touting their cause and chronicling their travels in a rather idiosyncratic blog.

David (4/10, Dallas): I am jogging outside in 40 degree freezing cold . . . 70 degrees in January and 40 degrees in April. That is exactly why Sheryl Crow and I are in a biodiesel bus going thru the Southeast visiting college campuses to talk about the urgency of this issue and how everyone . . . everyone . . . has to start doing something. I would write more, but I have to go run warm water over my hands and thaw out from my run.

Look, just don’t jog in the cold, stupid. Problem solved.

Crow (4/19, Springfield, Tenn.): I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required

I’m glad that Crow’s ass is so clean that she can get away with one measly square of TP. I think she might be in the minority. Hell, sometimes, like Eddie Murphy once famously said, I gotta wipe for like 5 hours. Reminds me of something else Eddie Murphy also famously said:

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit “Excuse me, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur? The rabbit says “No.” So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah - Sheryl Crow sucks.

Crow (4/19): I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what’s called a “dining sleeve.” The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another “dining sleeve,” after usage. The design will offer the “diner” the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

She has to be joking right? She can’t possbily be for real. I like how the “dining sleeve” was conveniently “designed” by her. Therefore, the government should outlaw paper napkins, and everybody should pay Sheryl Crow for her “clothing line” of fashionable tablecloth.

Watch the circles. You will use 1 square. Watch the circles. You will use your shirt sleeve to wipe.

Crow (4/19): This next idea I have been saving but I will share it with you if you promise not to steal it. It is my latest, very exciting idea for creating incentive for us all to minimize our own personal carbon footprints. It’s a reality show. (I feel pretty certain NO ONE has thought of this yet!) Here is the premise: the contest consists of 10 people who are competing for the top spot as the person who lives the “greenest” life. This will be reflected in the contestant’s home, his business, and his own personal living style. The winner of this challenging, prestigious, contest would receive what??. . . . a recording contract!!!!!

Don’t expect Al Gore to touch that contest with a ten foot pole.

David (4/20, Charlottesville): Sheryl couldn’t be with me tonight because of a previous commitment [Crow traveled to New York for a show that wasn't part of the tour] but luckily rock stars have rock star friends. Tonight, I spoke outside the gorgeous Charlottesville pavilion, in front of a couple of thousand slightly inebriated college men (there to see the wonderful Robert Randolph and the Family Band) who were forced to sit through the opening act . . . me. Truly, it was one of the most challenging 20 minutes of my life. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw guys yawning, I heard kids saying “where’s the music?” and I think I heard the “b” word. I rushed through the speech and when I walked off the stage I immediately burst into tears. Not because I took anything personally but because it was so clear how much work is still to be done. Tonight served as a stark reminder that social change is a journey and I learned tonight that not every stop is going to be easy.

What vanity. Hey Laurie - maybe you’re just stupefyingly boring.

nice bus! just stay out of the bathroom…