When we last saw Paris, she was gettin’ freaky-deaky with Rick Salomon in the hit comedy One Night in Paris. Then you saw her in the hit fast food documentary One Night at Carls Jr..

Well, she’s back in a whole new epic produced by Michael Bay! Ok, not Michael Bay, but hotshot producer Bardia Persa. This major motion picture stars Paris, actor-slash-model Jason Shaw (not the other way around), and SoCal Gentleman Joseph Francis!

It all started when Alyx sent me a link to a blog post on CelebSlam:

You may have remembered the story from last February about Paris Hilton’s Los Angeles storage unit. Basically Paris was a dumb shit and didn’t pay her $200 storage bill. In September the owners of the unit auctioned off Paris’ stuff to recoup the storage costs. Photos, videos, letters, recorded phone conversations, and phone numbers, were just a few of the items sold to entrepreneur Bardia Persa. Persa didn’t acquire Paris’ items for his private collection, oh no, he put everything on a website, Paris Exposed.

If you go to parisexposed.com, you’ll get the opportunity to give Bardia $39.97 in return for “Paris Hilton’s Stuff”.

According to the ever-respectable New York Post, you get:

• Prescription bottles for Hydrocodone, a painkiller similar to OxyContin used to manage anxiety disorders, post-party sleep aid Ambien and the herpes medication Valtrex.
• A medical bill from a Los Angeles clinic, billing an “Amber Taylor” - with the same birth date as Paris - for a miscarriage in March 2003.
• A journal analyzing her booze-fueled dreams.
• Her reality TV co-star Nicole Richie’s University of Arizona ID card.
• Sister Nicky’s Nevada marriage certificate.
• Several bank statements, including one with an ending monthly balance of just $9.26.
• Home videos she shot of visits with her sick grandmother.
• To-do lists that include an assortment of errands, including a reminder to buy Christmas gifts.
• new sex videos

Valtrex? Miscarriage?

There are also love notes from Nick Carter, a video of some dude with coke all over his chest, private phone numbers of celebrities, and did I mention the sex videos?

Do you want to see more???

First, why don’t you go over to this link to see some hardcore vids, including Paris in a “giving” mood… don’t worry, she gets a special gift at the end.

Are you back? Good! Let’s start with Jason Shaw. He was a Tommy Hilfiger male model for awhile. Like Derek Zoolander, but without the intelligence or charm.

Paris seems really into it. Really.

No sex seen, but Paris is naked from time to time, and we get some choice dialogue:

Jason Shaw: Spread your legs!

Jason Shaw: (whispering to the camera) She’s a sicko!

Paris: My puss is all gross. [Editor's note: "Puss"?? Who says that?]

Jason Shaw: (to the camera) I get to bang her!

Paris then puffs a wrapped tampon like a stogie and delivers an instant classic line:

Paris: …on the fuckin’ rag…. sucks………cock!

The way she delivers that last line is priceless… it reminded me of the scene in The Silence of the Lambs where Buffalo Bill dances in front of a mirror to the Q.Lazzarus song Goodbye Horses whispering to himself “I would fuck me!”.

Yes, my friends, Jason Shaw only sees Paris as a piece of meat, but let’s be honest - the vids don’t exactly paint Paris as having any recognizable personality. (More on this later)

Let’s move on to Joe Francis. Joe is a real top notch guy - a real winner. He runs Mantra Films. you know - the Girls Gone Wild videos?

I didn’t really think it was possible to get bored watching girls take off their tops, but when you’ve seen the same scene play out 500 times, well, it’s a little disappointing. Let’s see, what else - oh yeah, Joe has been accused of rape and giving alcohol to minors (as well as getting them to take off their tops on camera). He took all of her “bubble bath” videos.

Here is some more great dialogue:

Joe Francis: this is issue #3 of the paris hilton sex tapes … previously, you’ve met rick solomon…

Joe Francis: a little boring for a home audience, don’t you think?
Joe Francis: can you do something interesting, please?
Joe Francis: this is the worst paris hilton sex tape i’ve ever seen
Joe Francis: will you take some ecstasy, maybe?

And some introspective commentary:

Joe Francis: Who hates you?
Paris Hilton: God?

Are you there, God? It’s me, Paris.

Joe asks for her consent to distribute the tape as a “commercial video product” She says no, repeatedly.

And this sly commentary on Paris’ vanity:

Joe Francis: Wait, look at your self again
Paris: why?
Joe Francis: It was only once - it’s scaring me!

Joe Francis - Another Keeper. And Paris seems high in all these videos. Probably because she smokes too much of the AK-47 weed:

When life is hard, I pick up that card - with the smiley face!

Look, folks, we rag on Paris Hilton alot around here. But let me be honest - I like her. I always liked her. She’s attractive, wild, and could hop a private jet around the world at a moment’s notice. What’s not to like about that? What’s not to envy? She’s basically everybody’s Hollywood idea of what a spoiled rich socialite should be. But I am worried about her. I mean, at first I thought this whole storage space nonsense was a simple front and she’s just putting on an act to make more money. ParisHiltonSite disagrees. And after viewing the videos, I think they are right. Paris looks completely out of it in these videos. She acts like a 16 year old. Is she simply dumb? Is there truly nothing going on in there? Did her family fortune ensure that she never had to mature past the emo teenager stage?

I honestly don’t know, folks. I think maybe she’s lost. The booze and drugs seem to have turned every experience she has into some kind of surreal haze. The way people seem to relate to her - even though she probably encourages it - well, it’s just wrong - even for her. The men she hangs with are scumbags. Even worse than me! Look at the videos - sure, she looks spoiled, vain, self-absorbed - but also, I dare say it - used. And oblivious.

Maybe having too much money and no direction can destroy a person. Maybe, like Patrick Bateman, she is simply not there.

~Bill G